1. The Gates of Horn and Ivory are Closing!
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Discussion in 'Metropolis' started by Umaeril, Jul 7, 2012.


The Gates of Horn and Ivory

Two Gates the silent House of Sleep adorn; Of polish'd Iv'ry this, that of transparent Horn:
True Visions thro' transparent Horn arise; Thro' polish'd Iv'ry pass deluding Lies.

  1. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    Hello my dear, I am so sorry I did not know about your post. I hope that you come back and share some more, it would be really good to hear how you are in life. :heart:
     
  2. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    My dad is dying. His liver is giving up the ghost. I mean yeah he s had cirosis (sp?) of the liver for at least 30 years, you'd think he would have taken care and stopped drinking, doing drugs, taking his meds as prescribed, etc. But he hasn't. Honestly the only thing that surprises me is that his liver has lasted as long as it has. Or how he hadn't managed to die of an overdose yet. But I guess it will be his liver that gets him. Like I'm actually not upset. I haven't talked to him in years and I don't plan on talking to him now. I'm not going to the funeral either. Like I cannot stress enough that I give zero fucks. He had plenty of opportunities to turn his life around. He had plenty of opportunities to fix his shit. And I'm sorry but him telling me, "it's too late for me," got old, fast. I just can't stress enough that I do not care. I have spent decades in therapy, off and on, learning things like self respect and self worth and lessons like how I don't owe him anything, I'm not about to throw my hard work out the window now. It seems like this would be a good time for questions, but he s also a chronic liar so I know even if I had questions for him I wouldn't get the truth, so why bother? Like I want to feel bad, but I just don't. I've spent so many years trying to undo all the damage he did through his drinking and he drug use and his beating my mom right in front of me that there isn't anything I want from him. I wish him the best, because he needs it the most, but my goodwill ends there. May the peace that proved so elusive in this life be easier to find in the next.

    And his sister was given a month to live too. Once more, I don't care she's just as toxic as he is, and I refuse to do anything to help her. And I will not be attending either funeral. Not only do I not care for either of them, most of that family is just as toxic as they are, which is why I haven't talked to most of them in decades. It won't make me popular, but I've never cared about that.
     
  3. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    It sounds to me like you have made your peace with this for a while now. I am glad that is the case for you. Even so, thoughts related to your dad, his behavior, the effect he had on you and others, and how therapy was helpful, must be pondered anew during this time which it sounds like you have done. I fully agree with this strategy. And I agree with maintaining your distance.
     
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  4. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Uma. The problem I'm having now is having to rehash the past so many times over the last few days has dredged up a lot of memories and emotions that I haven't thought of in literally years, and it's starting to get to me finally. Like not his impending death, but things like the fear that if I told someone what was going on at home and he found out he would kill me. T hats why I never told anyone anything. There was also the fear that during one of his binges he would go too far and kill us then too. And that was a legitimate worry. And the absolute terror mom and I went through when he found out where we were staying and starting stalking us. That old fear is coming up too. Like so much of my early life revolved around his issues and the fear it caused that I still freak out whenever I hear a man raise his voice because that's how I've been conditioned. And frankly my friends have a right to know. I know a lot of them have wondered over the years, but I could never tell them.until I got this news why I am the way I am. And in some ways it's lierating,, because I can finally be honest. But it's also getting to me because of the sheer amount of people I've had to tell at least the basics to (that abusing drugs and alcohol for ease finally his entire life has trashed his liver to the point that it's going to kill him soon.) To be fair, a lot of people understand. And everyone So far has been really supportive. But it's still hard to dredge all this up because unfortunately a lot of this will never truly go away.

    It doesn't help either that one of my cats is dying and that I'm going through a med change. But it never rains, it pours.
     
  5. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    Entervixen, first let me say I am so sorry to hear about your cat, that is very sad. Which one is dying and of what? I understand you have some feral cats? How is the one with the eye injury doing? And how is Winry doing too?

    I hear you about your father and it is totally reasonable that you need time to process this and decide what it means to you. Maybe you never process it fully or you never decide anything about it, idk but now you have a chance to look at your past events a bit more fully. :sadnod:

    "It can't rain all the time"
     
  6. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    The one dying is our feral one, the one with the eye injury. :( we've been trying to scrape the money together to take her in, but mom kept sucking it up, and anyways it progressed so fast she's no longer eating, which for cats usually means the end of the road. :'( like I've solved the problem with mom, but it was too late. We've been trying for Two days to get her in the trap, but she won't go in and I don't know how to make her. I feel terrible. I've been trying to get her treatment, and now I'm trying to end her suffering, but I just don't know what to do and it's killing me. :(

    And yeah right now I'm going on the assumption that, at least to some extent, I'm always going to have issues with my dad and his family. Most of them are just as toxic as he is, and both bipolar disorder and addiction run in the family. Honestly I haven't bothered to talk to most of them in a long time. I'm tired of having a front row seat to all the problems they have, since most of them are as bad as he is, and so few of them are willing to change and I'm just not going to sit there and watch as they all dropnlike flies for essentially the same reason.
     
  7. edokitty

    edokitty meow baby

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    oh, Entervixen. That's so sad :'(

    I'm glad you are keeping your distance from your father and his family.
     
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  8. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. It's been hard coming forward to so many people in the last four days, but im glad I have because it's been an overwhelming outpour of support. While my childhood was traumatic I'm glad to have the friends I do now. It a heartbreaking to hear all the stories of people who have loved ones like my dad, but it also helps a lot because I know I'm not alone. And I think that's all anybody really wants wants in the end.
     
  9. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    Oh yeah, and the other major news; I need back surgery. The damage in my lower spine is so bad I can't get around it anymore. Because I don't have enough to deal with or anything.
     
  10. Crazy Dave Number 23

    Crazy Dave Number 23 Methodless Madness Staff Member

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    Jesus Christ.
     
  11. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    Hi Dave, good to see you, how are you doing? Update please! :smile:
     
  12. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    Oh I am really sorry to hear of your cat, that is unfortunate. I can totally understand where you are coming from...if the money is not there then it is just not there. We have the same issue, the chemo and tests for Louis-Philippe have cost us literally thousands and eventually we may have to make some hard decisions. It is not easy, but it is better if the cat does not suffer.
     
  13. Crazy Dave Number 23

    Crazy Dave Number 23 Methodless Madness Staff Member

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    I lurk all the time, but I have nothing good to say about my life. Constantly between things, as it were. I am working in a restaurant and all my money goes to rent, so, I am stuck. Neither motivation, nor sobriety, are ideas known to me right now. It's way more difficult now than when I was in my 20's. I'll get there - I'm on the verge of asking for serious help. But I still think I can do it myself, and, WANT to do it myself. At that point I can, I dunno, make some arbitrary life decision about improving my monetary life condition slightly. 2017 was not a good year, and 2018 is not a good year.

    I get by through the charity of friends, and for that, I am grateful. I am grateful that if I find a path, I will have more than enough support to make it. There's also a woman in my life as of the past 3 months, and she actively challenges me... it's a good thing. She fell in love with my mind, and then later my figure. But I will lose her if I founder too much longer. Bless her heart for caring.

    I'll give you more later. It's the least I could do.

    Love y'all.
     
  14. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    Damn dude I'm sorry. I feel bad for unloading all my problems on you. You got enough shit to deal with without adding mine to the mix. :(
     
  15. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    So we got Ocelot into the trap. But the infection was so bad it would have cost thousands to treat, and there was a very low chance It would have done anything. So my mom asked them to euthanize her. I'm glad she's no longer suffering, but I'm also going through all the feels, and it's definitely NOT helping right now. But when it rains it pours right? Sigh. I Really hope that, if there is an afterlife, that Ocelot waits for us. Not that I'm planning to die anytime soon. Between you and me I plan to die at 200. That seems reasonable right? (Lol) anyways I hope that she understands we really did everything we could do, and I hope she forgives us for not doing enough, and I hope she waits for us, because while no one could really touch her doesn't mean we didn't love her, and, hopefully, once our time goes, we get a chance to love all over her. Because while I was more than happy to respect her wishes for no touching, I had been hoping that, one day, she would trust us enough to let us pet her, and what sucks most of all is that chance is gone now.

    Kinda hating everything right though. I'm going through all the feels, but anger is there too, because it was my sister's trashy as fuck problem cat that fucked her eye up in the first place and I swear to god I'm never going to fucking forgive him after this. Ugh.
     
  16. Crazy Dave Number 23

    Crazy Dave Number 23 Methodless Madness Staff Member

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    Don't feel bad. It's a lot easier to support friends than deal with one's own problems, ya'know? I promise you are not negatively impacting me in any way. :)
     
  17. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    Haha well fair enough. Yeah I'll take my friends problems over mine any day of the week. :)
     
  18. Entervixen

    Entervixen Well-Known Member

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    So my dads sister passed away. The only problem I'm having is that everyone is sharing all these happy memories of her and I I swear to god I'm the only one that has exactly zero. Sigh. We lived together for I want to say about a year, and every single day day in and day out, it was fucking something with her. I can say now, as an adult, who the fuck bullies a child? But she had me so convinced it was all my fault that I didn't tell my parents any of the shit she did until i was an ADULT. Ugh.
     
  19. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    Hi Dave, I am sorry to hear that things are not good for you...and thank you for letting me know. I care about you so I am just going to say that when you think you need some help you most likely do need some help, so I hope you seek that out, it's hard going it on your own. I hope that your friends continue to be charitable and it speaks well of something in you that people do help out. I would like to say more but I also do not want to inject a sense of false cheer or give you easy platitudes because I hear what you are saying and I understand. I am glad you have someone though and I hope that continues to work out for you and that she can be an inspiration.
     
  20. Umaeril

    Umaeril -o-}}}X{{{-o- Staff Member

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    I agree with Dave, try not to feel bad (though I totally understand) and know that you did the right thing for your Ocelot. I hear your sadness though and I commiserate with you.
     

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